While I trudge through this daunting journey, I also look forward to the destination.
College life pretty much sucks. And I guess I didn't expect to tread lightly through it, but I didn't expect the heavy stress that I currently endure. It's not that the work particularly challenges me, either, but the ten week quarters create a bottleneck effect that stop-gaps my entire life. I have to balance all of the things I want to do with all of the things I have to do, and as they all flow through the bottle of time, there comes a point where only some things pour immediately.
And, sadly, as much as I would like for aspects of my life such as playing music, writing fiction, playing nerdy turn-based games to exist at the forefront of my priorities list, I know that my education has to come first. There are no breaks for me. I can't take a quarter off to clear my head. I can't put schoolwork on the back-burner to focus on songwriting for hours a day. I can do all of these things in moderation, but I have come too far to jeopardize all I have accomplished so far.
It's kind of depressing. The things I want most have to wait so I can secure a future where I can conveniently access them. Maybe I'm just impatient.
I guess my biggest fear is that I'll be too late once I arrive at my secure future to enjoy the things I want to enjoy now. I feel that once I become a professional, the joy-ride of youth is over. While I have worked so hard to secure a stable future, I also finally have the opportunity to experience the youth that was stolen from my childhood by unfortunate circumstances surrounding my home life.
On the other hand, I know how awesome life will be when I don't have to worry about money. It's going to be nice to not serve tables to make less than twenty-thousand a year. I can afford the music equipment I need to facilitate my songwriting. Teaching will allow me to have summers off to write the next great American novel or tour my music around the country. I can enjoy taking Dani wherever she wants to go without having to plan budget cuts. I can readily spend an inordinate amount of money on comic books and graphic novels. I can play stupid games because I can afford buying enough random draw packs to hopefully draw some good units. I can even get a new costume for Comic-Con every year.
I know that getting older doesn't necessarily mean growing up. But I also understand that a lot of things in my life aren't within the area I control. Who knows what I will become in the next several years? Who knows how teaching will change me as a person? I understand that there is always room for growth, but I don't want to grow anymore. I want to hold on to this lapse in judgment and regression into a youth-like state.
I want to take the time to be the kid I never got to be. But I can't do that without first going through this journey... Which is a journey most people would say symbolizes a step towards independence and adulthood.
While these two things juxtapose each other, I'm crossing my fingers that I can have them both.
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